Now I hear myself saying out loud----a lot...."Yeah, but.....I....." and then some excuse or reasoning or poor-pitiful-me type words will come gurgling out. When friends say they lost a lot of weight walking two miles a day, I am quick to chirp, "Yeah, but, so do I and yadayadayada." I can "Yeah, but" myself to death about money, friends, work, travel, dieting (oh yeah, I already said that one), and well, you name it. "Yeah, but, that would take so long." "Yeah, but, nobody told me it started early." "Yeah, but, I have to get a sitter." "Yeah, but, I don't want to give up my Saturdays." You get it. Yeah, but, nobody wants to read my blogs anyway.
I got really defensive yesterday when an acquaintance commented that I made it seem like raising Taylor was so hard. She, too, has a child with Down Syndrome; we were just comparing notes. And I heard all of this come out of my mouth: "Yeah, but, your daughter is not in pain. Yeah, but you are married and have a husband who helps 50/50. Yeah, but your daughter is still in school. Yeah, but she is higher functioning than Taylor. Yeah, but ya'll have more money. Yeah, but you have more kids at home to help you." I Yeah-Butted myself all over the place. But were they just hollow excuses?
And I knew I was feeling defensive and like maybe I wasn't a good mother and like I didn't know how to do this life thing so well----yeah, but, here I am and who better? Yeah, but.....maybe all of you would be better at my life.
This is not my temporary so-called life. This is not like, "Ok, Taylor's going to be retarded for a while and then when he's 32, he's going to read and write on grade level and become a lawyer." This is the real-deal way it is. For as long as our lives are---I mean our physical lives. It's not, "Well you only have to do this for six months and then we're sending in a replacement---or extra troops or a new set of chromosomes or that new pill that's going to make you lose weight and make Taylor pain-free and with an IQ way above room temperature. " (Yeah, but most of us have that high IQ and look at us! Ooops!)
So, I am taking stock today.
My "Yeah buts" are keeping me stuck and creating a longing for parts of a life that probably will never be.
Yeah, but, can I love the life I have?
Yeah, but can you love the life you have?
Yeah, but, can we help each other learn to live wholly/holy and fully and happily in our lives?
Ok. Ok. Yes!
Yeah, but, does anybody know how to make my legs look thinner?