Honestly I am not really sure how I'm doing these days. The best thing I can come up with is that I am having post traumatic stress something or other. I know it has been three months since surgery, but I am still not connected to my body. It's weird. I think I'm just going to go with it for a while until I meet myself coming in from the outside.
So... we were at Coney Island last week as part of our visit to New York. My sweet sister thought Taylor might enjoy some of the rides. We walked along the boardwalk, he rode four rides and boom...we had "done" Coney Island. Bam.
Taylor is 28. Taylor is 28 years old. I have been his mama for 28 years now. You'd think I'd be getting used to things. Sometimes I am gripped with emotion from out of nowhere. I gulp.
Watching my precious son walk up to entrance to "The Flying Whales" just about did me in. It was early Sunday morning; he was the only rider on this ride. Taylor was taller than the "You Must be THIS tall to ride this ride." But the nice ticket-taker man let him on anyway.
Taylor's face was one of pure delight. He was thrilled. No scream machine could have evoked the same look of "I've Got This!" than those flying whales. He ruled that ride. And for about 7 seconds I cried---deep, riveting, internal sobs. "IS THIS MY LIFE???"
Yep, sure is.
He was SO happy.
What else is there really?
I love love love this. I'm so glad you can implode beside the whale ride at Coney Island. Your beautiful boy is finding joy in whales and you are in recovery. You've earned a little holiday time, Marianne. Let that composure and intentional reflection take a break while you crumble. I'm just glad you fell apart in a place that (most likely) smelled like cotton candy. Yes. This is your life. And you live it so so well. Your soul is a holy thing.
ReplyDeleteMarianne,
ReplyDeleteKeep writing--this is so beautiful--I can just picture the whole thing. The Flying Whales, the ticket taker, Taylor's smile and your internal angst. It is a privilege to share this journey--one more of the soul than anything I know of. Keep flying with the whales. Thank you for making me stop and think about what is important. La La Lu, Liz
This is beautiful.
ReplyDelete