Monday, September 27, 2010
Last week, a little six year old friend of mine, was filling out a "Sucess Chart" for school. "What in the world does success mean?" I nudged her as she bubbled in her 'successes."
Without skipping a beat, she told me, " Success means you're all full up. Full to the top---full to the brim. You feel full. You can't hold any more."
"Any more of what?" I asked.
"Success-full means you're all full up on love and having friends."
"Oh. Good to know, " said I. Hmmm.
Some days, I am not really sure how to shuffle parts of my life (back) into this deck--of life. I want the rules to be bent. One son is grown, but, my other son, Taylor, will never be grown. In some ways, I think I have decided to stay "ungrown" with him. This is not going to be a very flattering confession, but some days I wonder, "What the heck? What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?" That's just on some days---some hours mostly. (Has anybody out there begun decorating for my pity-party yet?) Arrrggggh....at myself.
And, I can trace those "I'm so tired of this" feelings directly to days when Taylor feels bad and I am completely helpless to ......help.
I am not able to be success-----full. And I hate it. I'm not good at just "being." I have not practiced working on that "being" muscle as much as I'd like to pretend I have. So, I fight the current. I flow against it. I struggle. I tug. I pull and then push and resist. I want things to be different. I want me to be different. I want to be success--full---with him. With life.
I know what syntax means now. Turns out, it never was a very hard word to understand.
I wonder why I assigned that kind of not-knowing to determine my success.
Help me out, here, folks. Talk to me.
What is success? How do you know when you've gotten there?
Full of love? Full to the brim with love?
Full of friendships and people who love you?
Maybe I just need to stop trying to swim upstream---against the current.
Is up-stream where success is? Did I miss it?
Didn't I just come from there---up stream that is?
Oh, I think I just need to float a while.
Not a human doing.
A human being.