Friday, March 2, 2012

Fear Whispers

Oh my goodness, I say out loud that I am committed to being honest on this blog.  In theory I think that I want to "embrace" my fears about.......well, about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness---but specifically...about Taylor's sugery and how mammoth it is. 
But right now my thoughts are slip-sliding into fear---I am afraid.
My stomach knots up as I picture Taylor  in ICU.  Will I handle it? What does handling it look like anyway?
If I throw up from fear....literally....does that still count as handling it? How will I know I have done the right thing with all of this?
     Today Dr. Traynelis (Chicago/neurosurgeon) is making a phone call to Dr. Doerr in Athens.  They will talk "doctor talk".  In my mind I hear whispering and bad things---like things they would not want to tell a mother. this true?  And what does that mean?
    So here is what I am hoping for and praying for in my secret gut of guts:  I hope that the MRI indicates to Dr. Traynelis that Taylor's spine is secure enough so that he will not have to do a full fusion---all the way down Taylor's upper back.  That just sounds...and brutal to a human body.   Will Taylor be able to withstand that much trauma to his precious little , 150 lb., frame?  Will he be scared?
I am hoping against hope (wow...what if I hoped WITH hope)...that this master complex spine surgeon will decide that it is enough just to fix what was done back in June.  I could so handle that.
So, it's out there.  My whole body is wearing this fear.  I want to face it---and say it out loud. 
Looks like I just did say it out loud. 
Letting light in to fizz out the fear.
Maybe that's what healing is.
In your own way---in a way that makes sense to you---please pray for healing---
Healing within.  Healing in the body.  Healing in spirit.  Healing of the aching heart.
UPDATE Since I POSTED THIS earlier today.   I sent this email to a few people:

I just talked with Dr. Traynelis’ office.   Dr. T reviewed Taylor’s MRI from Tuesday and is firm that Taylor needs a  full fusion from C-1 to T-1 with removal of the “instrumentation” that was put in at Johns Hopkins in June.

I feel sick.  That is a normal feeling, right?  I would be weird if I weren’t crying.

Dr. T. tried to call Dr. Chris Doerr yesterday but couldn’t get him---and is trying again this morning.   He will give Dr. Doerr all of the codes so that Dr. D. can call insurance on Wednesday---with me sitting in the office acting normal (as if).

    If none of this makes sense….it’s ok…I just needed to tell you.

Taylor is going to hate my guts.  I hated my parents when they made me get my cavities filled.  Is there a proxy parent I could hire here?

Thank you for reading, for loving me (assuming that you do) and for giving a rat’s ass.

( I just had to cuss!)  marianne