But right now my thoughts are slip-sliding into fear---I am afraid.
My stomach knots up as I picture Taylor in ICU. Will I handle it? What does handling it look like anyway?
If I throw up from fear....literally....does that still count as handling it? How will I know I have done the right thing with all of this?
Today Dr. Traynelis (Chicago/neurosurgeon) is making a phone call to Dr. Doerr in Athens. They will talk "doctor talk". In my mind I hear whispering and bad things---like things they would not want to tell a mother. But...is this true? And what does that mean?
So here is what I am hoping for and praying for in my secret gut of guts: I hope that the MRI indicates to Dr. Traynelis that Taylor's spine is secure enough so that he will not have to do a full fusion---all the way down Taylor's upper back. That just sounds...and is...so brutal to a human body. Will Taylor be able to withstand that much trauma to his precious little , 150 lb., frame? Will he be scared?
I am hoping against hope (wow...what if I hoped WITH hope)...that this master complex spine surgeon will decide that it is enough just to fix what was done back in June. I could so handle that.
So, it's out there. My whole body is wearing this fear. I want to face it---and say it out loud.
Looks like I just did say it out loud.
Letting light in to fizz out the fear.
Maybe that's what healing is.
In your own way---in a way that makes sense to you---please pray for healing---
Healing within. Healing in the body. Healing in spirit. Healing of the aching heart.
UPDATE Since I POSTED THIS earlier today. I sent this email to a few people:
I just talked with Dr. Traynelis’ office. Dr. T reviewed Taylor’s MRI from Tuesday and is firm that Taylor needs a full fusion from C-1 to T-1 with removal of the “instrumentation” that was put in at Johns Hopkins in June.
I feel sick. That is a normal feeling, right? I would be weird if I weren’t crying.
Dr. T. tried to call Dr. Chris Doerr yesterday but couldn’t get him---and is trying again this morning. He will give Dr. Doerr all of the codes so that Dr. D. can call insurance on Wednesday---with me sitting in the office acting normal (as if).
If none of this makes sense….it’s ok…I just needed to tell you.
Taylor is going to hate my guts. I hated my parents when they made me get my cavities filled. Is there a proxy parent I could hire here?
Thank you for reading, for loving me (assuming that you do) and for giving a rat’s ass.
( I just had to cuss!) marianne
