Truthfully, I don't even know where I might tell you I've been for the past four months. I might say, "Inward. Scared again. Worried. Disappointed. Overwhelmed. Not trusting." You see, the last time I wrote anything was after Taylor's last surgery---way back at the end of June. Boy were we hopeful! Pain-free was not to be. And let me just share with the whole world that I do not handle disappointment beautifully. I would not make a good Buddhist at all---I am way too attached to outcome. After the last surgery (anterior cervical discectomy), I had so many expectations and plans and had re-routed my life; all was going to be back on track. BUT....that didn't happen. Or hasn't happened.....yet. This big miracle surgery did not do the trick...whatever the heck the trick might include. This go-around we have even tried Oxycontin----that drug that people buy and sell and get highly addicted to. It didn't help. (Wanna buy some? kidding!)
I wonder if I am wired weird (probably), because even though it's not rational at all....I blame myself for Taylor not getting better----feeling better----being back up to "par" (again, whatever that is.....oh, isn't all of life so darn relative???) I have a real wrestling match with the belief that I have not done enough---that there is something more I SHOULD be doing. And, I'll just get you right to the last chapter of thoughts like these.......They don't lead one to one's "highest self". (Where do I come up with all of this kind of talk?)
Anyway, it's been a tough four months. Real tough. Lots of crying. And stress. And attachment to outcome. It makes me want to stay inside...in my pajamas...under the covers. I didn't do that on the outside....but my insides were definitely living a solitary life. (Oh, this is so depressing.....sorry)
About three weeks ago, my sisters decided to come visit and do an intervention with me/on me. I think they realized that I needed to get off of center, look at some options and get my life back on track. When I asked them what an intervention entailed, one of my sisters replied, "I think we're just going to get you really drunk." Wow! Now, that's medical psychology for you at its best. I don't even drink, but at least I had a better idea of how the whole intervention weekend was going to work. Whew! What I came to see clearly was that two of my loving sisters just hated to see me suffer (unnecessarily!) and were going to throw me down and talk turkey to me. In the south we sometimes call these, "Come to Jesus" meetings. So, I guess that's what we had. An intervention that involved neither alcohol nor Jesus. (Well, maybe a little wine....and .....some prayer.) But mostly, it was just boundless, abundant, deeply profound love ---among sisters.
I am not sure what the next months will bring. My prayer ......my fervent prayer...is that both Taylor and I will both become healed---he from his physical pain and me from my LONGING and worrying and heartache...... that he be ok.
I have to let go some.
I have to let go.
I don't know how to do this so well/very well/at all.
Letting go.....what does that look like?
