Sunday, January 30, 2011

Handling this Life

      I just hate it when people say that God never gives us more than we can handle.  Most often, the people who tend to say that to me are usually all dressed up, driving a fine car, and headed to a fabulous restaurant with other high-functioning adults.   I mean, "What do they know about how much is too much?"  I heard a quote today that Mother Teresa had purportedly said.  "I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."  Oh, Lord, I've been busted by Mother Teresa of all people.  Damn!  But I love the second sentence of her quote ----I wish he didn't trust me so much.  Amen to that.... is what I'm thinking.  What on earth have I done to deserve this trust?  I am falling down on the job.  Doesn't he see?
       Non sequitur alert...I watch the news and really wonder how the people in Haiti handle their lives.  They have the same basic needs that you and I have, and yet hundreds of thousands of them are living under tarps on streets, with no running water, no electricity, no nothing.  I/We see those images and go right back to our iPods or online banking or to thawing the lamb chops for dinner.  I would be so curious to know the numbers of handicapped people living amongst them.  I really don't think I could do it.  I'm too spoiled. I'm too something. 
     Maybe it's because I'm 57 and in transition with my life goals; maybe it's because I'm re-evaluating what life is all about; maybe it's because I live in my own sort of sub-culture; maybe it's because I long for conversations and interactions to have meaning and purpose......maybe I just want too much. Heck yeah, I'm intense.   A friend, frustrated with my need for "depth" finally lost it with me yesterday.  "Why do you always think everything has to mean something or teach a lesson or have a moral?"  Exasperated was she----with me.  Lighten up was the message.  Oooooo, that is so hard for me. 
      I know that others of you reading this have a similar longing/craving to soak the life sponge of all of its meaning.  My little fellow, Taylor, is my constant reminder that we are here for bigger purposes than to settle for Dancing with the Stars, over-caring if our boobs sag (just a little), obsessing about if we've made enough, done enough,  been enough.  Are you following me?  Are you with me?
 I want to get this life right whatever that means. 
 Maybe I'm trying too hard. 
 I think I am trying too hard.
Where is Mother Teresa when I need her?   What made her not care about using lip gloss?
How do we get to that place?
Where's the balance?
Lip inner peace. 
Is that more than we can handle?


Sunday, January 2, 2011

Departures. Arrivals.

Bring on the Wonder.
Bring on the Song.

        Taylor and I just got back from our annual Christmas/
New Year's journey.  Airports bring out the best and worst in me. I love the adrenalin that starts pumping---traveling, going away, something different, off center, out-of-my comfort zone.  And pushed up right next to that excitement is an almost pathological longing to cling to what is safe and known and routine.  I am not spontaneous.  Damn.  What happened to those days?
   I have traveled through airports during some critical points in my life.  I have stood sobbing in long security lines after a painful breakup; I have pushed Taylor in wheelchairs in and out of handicapped access lines before and after surgeries in other states.  I have left sisters and parents and dear friends at gates with my heart up around my throat believing that my life would never be back on a normal track.  Inevitably after each......a me.
   Always...always...I have seen those signs: "All Flights.  Departing Flights"
Follow these arrows.  Go that way.  Make those  choices.  Depart.  Fly Away.  Go down that ramp way.  Your life will be different---maybe drastically.  Maybe not at all.  But, there will always be a departure from this moment.
    It is a new year.  I like the sound of 2011.  It sounds hopeful to me.  Does it to you?  I am not into numerology, but there is a swing in those numbers.  A newness---a new sound, a buzz, a skip, a bounce.  Life.
    My New Year's Choice is to depart from things, thoughts, beliefs, behaviors that weigh me down, hold me back, make me mean, lead me to negative thinking, keep me living in a "small" world.   Departure from being closed off to love. It's time to let people in--time to float along with the current instead of beating against the tide.  Flying away to new things-----new ideas---new love---new hope. 
Arrivals.  All flights.  Isn't it a good thing to be open to new birth?
Bring on the wonder.  Bring on the song.
Anybody want to join me in hope? 
How will we "do" hope this year? 
Make hope happen.  In real ways.
What will it look like in my life?
What will it look like in your life?
A noun and a verb: HOPE.
I'm open.  Are you in?