Friday, November 12, 2010

Only Kindness Makes Sense


Only Kindness Makes Sense
(Geneen Roth)
        I'll just jump right on in here and tell you that we've (I've, you've, me've) been going through a rough spot.  I know I do not have the market on rough spots, but since and because this is my blog, I get to talk about my rough spot. When I have a hard time, I tend to go inside---way inside----maybe even close to under--but mostly just inside.  I know that healing is an inside job.  It's been said that for all hard emotional work, that the only way through.  No short cuts.  Damn.
    So Taylor has been feeling bad again.  His 26 year old body has been cut on and scarred up pretty badly for a person his age.  Because I am a control freak---you've met me before: I'm God's wife----because even though intellectually I know I can not control his body and how it heals (or doesn't heal), I keep trying to fix him. 
I keep thinking that if I read one more article or if we see one more doctor or if I hear about one more magic medicine---then he will "poof" himself into a light-hearted, physically happy place.  But, it is not happening.  And it's frustrating. 
Join me here:  If you have someone you love dearly, don't you hate it when they hurt?  Your answer, without even emailing me your response is "Heck yeah!"
So, you get me, don't you?
     Within the past couple of days, I had an "Aha!" moment.  I was lead to some words and thoughts that my soul had been searching for---words I think I had a craving to be sunk way down into my own soul:  Only kindness makes sense.
Hold on now.  Here's the good part and I want you to read it with me and tell me what you think.  Only kindness  (even and especially) towards ourselves makes sense.  Towards ourselves----kindness for me....from me.   And then, later on, in a few minutes after I've been kind to myself..... it can be moved out----outward.
    I have spent my entire life trying to change my body---change my thighs, change my this, change my that...beat up myself because my body wasn't thin enough, toned enough, tall enough....yadayada blah blah blah.  You know what? 
Does that sound kind-----sound loving?.......sound gentle?.....sound compassionate? Don't you even try to bolt out of this conversation, because I know that you---yes, most of you, my brilliant readers----you may not be holding yourself  either with tenderness and love and oh I love that word.....grace.  And kind-ness.  Are you?  Be honest?  Are you kind to you?
      I am battling (that means war, doesn't it? And war is not kind....see how smart I am!?) with my own body----and HELLO!!---with Taylor's body!!!   I have felt betrayed and angry and frustrated beyond measure with how his body holds him hostage (not by choice) and then how my body holds me hostage (Ooops! By choice!)  How many times can I say, "That's not fair!"  in one day and still be within the legal limit?
     So today, this epiphany happened inside of my heart.  Only kindness makes sense.  Kindness: accept, embrace, cuddle, kiss, adore, cherish, lavish with tenderness, slurp-up, prize, thank----all of the parts of our bodies---ourselves---just as they are.  OMG----huge.  Landslide huge.
I've got to do this for myself so I can do this for my son who counts on me so.
By "do this"  I mean be kind  turned inward.   
We....I/you/me/him/her/they----are so worthy of our own kindness.
Only kindness makes sense.
 Begin now.
I'll begin with me.
You begin with you.
This feels like a challenge.  Why is that?