We were told this morning that he would be given a trach today at 2:30. As much as we had dreaded ever hearing those words, it was evident that a trach would be an improvement over what we have now.
At the very last minute, a critical emergency came up for another patient and Taylor was put on hold. I fell apart. I am a big baby. I forget that sometimes---but I am. I just start crying and calling people names. I say bad words. It takes me a while to process disappointment. Thank goodness there were no 12--packs of Reese's peanut butter cups hidden under pillows or pocket books. I would have swallowed them whole. As it was, I just cried.
In this past week I have learned what Propopol is. I have seen a Picc line inserted. I have learned to read monitors and know what oxygenation numbers mean----all the while being able to gaze out of the hospital window at The Sears Tower. Two worlds slammed up against each other that seem to not know one another even living side-by-side.
This has been a rough and rugged road. We have had to make left turns when we wanted to keep going straight. I have lied/lay/lain on the intensive care "bed" asking myself how on earth we got to this place with our son. And then........AND THEN.....there are glimmers of light that come bursting through---and I remember. Darkness and light----light and darkness.
I am terrible with Bible verses, but somewhere in my head, I hear these words from the Psalms that I memorized years ago. I think I will sing them to myself tonight:
"Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you."
And tomorrow will be better. I know it.
