Saturday, March 3, 2012

Songs of Wailing and Thanksgiving

Last night I heard from a doctor who knows Taylor and whom I really trust.  He does not like the idea of Taylor having a full fusion.   As he and I were talking (on a Friday evening; his office had long since closed, he had family he needed to be with and yet he was talking to me...), I was thrown into a sort of despair.  

  I woke up this morning wailing.  I mean it.  Crying out for help.
I could have written the book of Lamentations: 
It is called in the Hebrew canon 'Eikhah, meaning "How,"
 being the formula for the commencement of a song of wailing.
I felt lost, abandoned, without guidance.
That still, strong voice inside of me spoke, "Do not even put on your bra.  DO comb your hair. Go in your pajamas.  Maybe wear a thicker shirt.   But go to your neighbors, Jane and Jim.   There you will find what you seek."
So I did.  With my coffee cup, wearing Taylor's Crocs, and looking like a pitiful homeless woman, I crossed the yards to Jane and Jim's back door.  I could see them through their bay window, sitting at the table.  They were having their morning devotional.

In I walked..taking my puddle-of-a-self with me. 
Jane was reading from Psalms Now.
She read one Psalm after another out loud.
Cell-by-cell, pore-by-pore, tissue-by-tissue, muscle-by-muscle, every part of me began to relax.
We held hands and talked/prayed in ways that were meaningful to each of us---each having our own concerns and confusions. 
We laughed loudly a lot! 
I was irreverent and sacrilegious---profane and holy.
It was really neat. 
I sang a song of Thanksgiving.  That's pretty darn cool, let me tell you.
I have my bra on now.  
Uplifted in every way.  (Oh corny can I get????)
Another day on this journey .....towards wholeness.  
So hard.  So interesting.  
So full of wailing AND thanksgiving.