I love being in DENIAL (Don't Even Notice I Am Lying).) Well, I say I love it but that's not really what I mean. I just know that that we never do anything unless there is some sort of payoff for us. I must get something from being is denial. I guess that's not really the same thing as loving being in denial. (Have I been gone too long and lost my ability to write a clear sentence?) But, my denials have been making a lot of noise lately. Something is trying to wake me up. Wake up calls are like having cold water thrown in our faces. Maybe sort of like that. When my pajama bottoms get too tight, that's a big wake up call. Pajama bottoms are supposed to be loose and baggy----ooops. Was I really gaining weight? Denial. I refuse to count how many pairs of shoes I actually own or I find myself watching too much junk tv. I can lather myself up in denial pretty well and talk myself into just about anything. Do you do that? Justify just about anything that soothes you in the moment? "But I didn't spend too much or eat too much or say too much.....blahblahblah." Denial.
For the past few weeks, I have been having a tug-of-war with reality and my longing to stay hidden and "safe." Safe from tension---away from the complexities and requirements that being in the world thrusts us in. I can sort of even see why people become stay-at-home-aholics. What if something comes up I can't handle? What if I meet a person who needs too much from me? What if there is just too much commotion out there? What if I won't know the answers? Part of me thinks I am just getting old. The other part of me knows that fear is my good friend and constant companion. I give anxiety lots of power and a big place in my life. Dammit. By the same token, I try to pretend like I don't---Denial again. I heard this really interesting man on one of my funky "serious transformations" podcasts say something like this, "One reason why we absolutely refuse to be truly happy is because we know that so many qualities in ourselves would immediately become unemployed." It got me to thinking (now there's a sentence for you!)...what if I "fired" the parts of me that keep me in denial---and you know....stepped into the sunshine and bright lights in my world? Throw my fear to wind--or better yet, embrace it. (Yes, I go to many retreats where I practice embracing my shadow.) Still it's hard. You might be sitting at your computer desk reading this thinking that I am off the deep end again. I know I'm not alone on this denial train. I swear it's a "train" (if you will) that keeps us small because we listen to that voice that says, "You can't" or "You shouldn't" or "Who do you think you are??". Aren't those just trip-us-up-words that turn us into scaredy cats---and into not being risk-takers?
I watch Taylor not being afraid in this life. On the other hand, I am a worry wart; I tend to buy trouble. Last week I obsessed over the fact Taylor still cannot count to ten without leaving out a few numbers. How much he couldn't do gripped me at times---so I went into denial mode to avoid feeling the pain. (See how this works?) I have a secret fear that I will not be enough---do enough, know enough, give enough, provide enough for my son. I just don't feel like I'm very good at this job. How in the heck do you raise a handicapped son anyway? Where does this road lead? What's ahead? Will I be able to handle it all? Readers and friends, I know that you have some of those exact same questions. You have those questions about whatever it is that life has put in front of you. It's not just me. Insert your own situation with your particular issues into the blank. We've all got them. Right? Are you with me? Gandhi reminded us that we each one needs to be the change we want to see in this world. But how can we be that incredible change if we don't live full out? And yet, I know I cling like crazy to things not changing. I admit that I sometimes wait for that other shoe to fall. (Look at me being all brave here and sharing all of this. Will you share back with me? )
I hear some wake up calls nudging me in my life.
"Get up, Wake up. Be aware."
That's what I'm hearing.
My pajama bottoms don't fit right.
Time for changes. I am going to furlough--un-employ Denial.
And, I'm going to go count how many shoes I have.
I'm sure I have enough---more than enough.
Reality check. Wake up. Maybe I don't need to know all of the answers.
