Saturday, February 18, 2012

Keeping Stuff In

I see why families who have a problem child or an unhealthy marriage or something  "wrong" within the family---I see why they/we/I become isolated.  None of us wants to show the world our weakest sides---our most vulnerable parts.   Right?  At least I don't.   And so I hibernate/isolate/close in/draw my own wagon in closer to home.
   A therapist once told me.....ok, ok....last week my therapist told me, "We all try to pretend like we're God when we're in public.  Very few people have a congruent public and private life."
 Do you think that's true?
   That goes along with the true statement (yes true statement) that we are only as sick as the secrets we keep.  I have worked pretty darn hard for the past ten or so years to just give up secrets period.   That does not mean that I give up having boundaries and privacy---but sick secrets----not for me anymore. 
Here's my secret:
      As Taylor gets worse, I do not like to go in public with him anymore.   Just since his last surgery seven months ago, something has gone haywire in his neck and he has developed tourettes-like mannerisms.  He shouts out, makes loud/odd noises/ and just plain acts weird.   It drives me bats.  I lose patience.  Sometimes I forget to breathe. 
I am 100% sure that after he has the next surgery that this will all go away.   At least that's what I believe.   Actually, I am not sure what to believe anymore.   That's a bad place to be in. secret is out with you:  I hate taking Taylor in public anymore.  He's loud.  He's never been loud before.  He's in a neck brace.  This is off-putting in and of itself.  And then he has these out-bursts.
So, the other part of my secret is that I have all of the negative self talk that clogs up my daily affirmations---kidding---I mean, I talk to myself in a way I would never talk to a friend.  I tell myself I'm not a good mother because I don't know how to do this.  It's irrational---no doubt.  But it's like doing 300 crunches in a row to make myself interject a new thought around what kind of mother I am.
   Well, the secrets are out.  Whew.  Now that wasn't so bad was it?  That is step one.   Say it out loud. 
This is my saying it out loud.   It still makes me want to isolate myself because....I---like YOU---want to be perfect.   Even when I can't be perfect.....I will die trying.   Damn.
       I want to be brave.  I want to be honest.  I want to live an honorable life.  And have sex.
What's so wrong with that?
Dear Diary.   This may be too raw for some people.   Sorry about that.   I am living in the eye of a storm---an emotional storm and a spiritual storm.
  God, please keep my boat upright and afloat. 
I think the motor already dropped off.  It's ok.  I've got oars---if I can find them.