Thursday, April 29, 2010

Sometimes it gets to me

Isn't it so weird how a seemingly benign comment can just get stuck right in your gut and gnaw at you?  Do you know what I mean?  Can you think of a time when somebody---a friend, a sister, a neighbor, a store clerk made an innocent comment that maybe stopped you in your tracks?  And then that comment swirls around in your head taking on a life of its own.  My belief is that we obsess on those comments until we can shed new light on them  and maybe even figure out why they get in our craw and fester.
   Yesterday a friend said, " Heidi is telling people that Taylor is her boyfriend.  She really has a crush on him and says she wants him to be her boyfriend."  It was really that simple a statement.  Purely innocent---even kind of cute in a normal world.  I had a delayed reaction because I didn't begin to cry until about five hours later when my knees buckled.  I felt like I had been kicked in the gut.  It hit me with one bolt of recognition. My son, Taylor, will never ever have a girlfriend.  He will never ever have an intimate relationship.  He will never know romantic love that is reciprocated.  It will not happen for him----ever.  A page that is in the "rites of passage" rule book has been torn out.  Another rite of passage will be  skipped over and  will never even be on his  radar. 
From wherever you're sitting, you might be saying, "Well, how do you know that for sure, Marianne?  He may surprise you."   I don't think I'm being overly dramatic here.  I am just saying what is true.  Taylor does not have the emotional depth or intellectual capacity to form a relationship with a girl his age.  He does not interact on that level at all.  I don't see that changing as he grows older.
     Of course, none of this matters to Taylor.  He does not understand the nature of most relationships.  He knows his mama, daddy and brother love him.  So, it's not that he is lonely or wants for more.  I guess that's a blessing.  I guess I just needed to throw myself a pity party---so just did.  All rites of passage that will  not happen get to me at some point.  It just takes me a while to regroup and focus on all the good things.
Like, there are ice cream sandwiches in the freezer.
Like,  Taylor has great insurance.
And, he can ride a scooter.
 Whew.  I already feel better. 
Count your blessings, name them one by one.
I've gotta hang up now.  I need to start counting.