Sunday, November 13, 2011

Moving Forward....Or At Least...Moving

          Truthfully, I don't even know where I might tell you I've been for the past four months.   I might say, "Inward.  Scared again. Worried.  Disappointed.  Overwhelmed.  Not trusting."  You see, the last time I wrote anything was after Taylor's last surgery---way back at the end of June.   Boy were we hopeful!  Pain-free was not to be.   And let me just share with the whole world that I do not handle disappointment beautifully.  I would not make a good Buddhist at all---I am way too attached to outcome. 
      After the last surgery (anterior cervical discectomy), I had so many expectations and plans and had re-routed my life; all was going to be back on track.  BUT....that didn't happen.  Or hasn't happened.....yet.  This big miracle surgery did not do the trick...whatever the heck the trick might include.   This go-around we have even tried Oxycontin----that drug that people buy and sell and get highly addicted to.  It didn't help.  (Wanna buy some?  kidding!)
   I wonder if I am wired weird (probably),  because even though it's not rational at all....I blame myself for Taylor not getting better----feeling better----being back up to "par" (again, whatever that is.....oh, isn't all of life so darn relative???)  I have a real wrestling match with the belief that I have not done enough---that there is something more I SHOULD be doing.  And, I'll just get you right to the last chapter of thoughts like these.......They don't lead one to one's "highest self".   (Where do I come up with all of this kind of talk?)
     Anyway, it's been a tough four months.  Real tough.  Lots of crying.  And stress.  And attachment to outcome.  It makes me want to stay my pajamas...under the covers.    I didn't do that on the outside....but my insides were definitely living a solitary life.  (Oh, this is so depressing.....sorry)
      About three weeks ago, my sisters decided to come visit and do an intervention with me/on me. I think they realized that I needed to get off of center, look at some options and get my life back on track.  When I asked them what an intervention entailed, one of my sisters replied, "I think we're just going to get you really drunk."   Wow!  Now, that's medical psychology for you at its best.   I don't even drink, but at least I had a better idea of how the whole intervention weekend was going to work.  Whew!  What I came to see clearly was that two of my loving sisters just hated to see me suffer (unnecessarily!) and were going to throw me down and talk turkey to me.  In the south we sometimes call these, "Come to Jesus" meetings.    So, I guess that's what we had.  An intervention that involved neither alcohol nor Jesus.     (Well, maybe a little wine....and .....some prayer.)  But mostly, it was just boundless, abundant, deeply profound love ---among sisters. 
      I am not sure what the next months will bring.  My prayer fervent that both Taylor and I will both become healed---he from his physical pain and me from my LONGING and worrying and heartache...... that he be ok. 
I have to let go some.
I have to let go.
I don't know how to do this so well/very well/at all.
Letting go.....what does that look like?




  1. Mary,
    Of course you want to be "under covers"--I call this being normal. Watching your precious Taylor suffer and feeling helpless is all a bit too much for any mother to bear. And here you are-making us all smile and feel better once again. Love you and praying for you both. Liz

  2. Okay, Mary, listen up, girl! NONE of this is, or ever WAS, your "fault." You have never offered anything other than 187% of pure love and devotion to both of our sons. You are the best(est) mother Cole and Taylor could ever have dreamed of having. You have so many gifts and so many talents...not the least of which is your un-matched ability to make OTHERS feel worthy and loved. It's incredible how many people's lives you have touched so personally over the years. As a teacher, the legions of (mostly poor and deprived) students whose lives you changed forever...your little "puberts" who, over 32 years of public school teaching you inspired and encouraged...and now, at UGA, the wanna-be teachers that you are mentoring and molding....the whole WORLD should read your wonderful student evaluations...and, on and on and on and on. I am so proud of our wrecked marriage and there could never be anyone I could love more than you. For someone who showers love onto everything you touch, you have a hard time letting that love bounce back toward YOU every once-in-awhile! Taylor-man is wont to say, "Go Nice, Mary!" ...and, better yet, go NICE on yourself! Surely you know that there is no crown large enough to hold all of your stars! Love, Joe ( know...your "ex" !!) ...I'm gonna be SO pissed if I can't get this to post...

  3. Oh, yeah, and ANOTHER thing ... speaking of those UGA student evaluations that I think the whole WORLD should be honored to read, here's my all-time favorite over the past few years, from a student teacher in middle-school education to "Ms. Causey" ... :

    "...Ms. Causey is to teaching what Bill Gates is to computers!"

    Wow! Fabulous! Now, if I could just figure out a "subtle" way to send this to Bill Gates...maybe he would volunteer to PAY for Taylor's next surgery!! Ha!!! Dream on....

  4. What Joe said. Except for the wrecked marriage part. I wish I were closer so I could be more of a friend to both you and Taylor. Life isn't fair. You are the brave one, maybe not by choice, but you are. Love to you both.

  5. So glad you are back in your "blogosphere" -- We have all missed you!! Lots of people (many of whom you have never met) are praying for you and for Taylor


Thank you so much for your comments. I know it's scary to put yourself out there. I really appreciate your being on this journey with me. You really are brave..