Friday, March 2, 2012

Fear Whispers

Oh my goodness, I say out loud that I am committed to being honest on this blog.  In theory I think that I want to "embrace" my fears about.......well, about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness---but specifically...about Taylor's sugery and how mammoth it is. 
But right now my thoughts are slip-sliding into fear---I am afraid.
My stomach knots up as I picture Taylor  in ICU.  Will I handle it? What does handling it look like anyway?
If I throw up from fear....literally....does that still count as handling it? How will I know I have done the right thing with all of this?
     Today Dr. Traynelis (Chicago/neurosurgeon) is making a phone call to Dr. Doerr in Athens.  They will talk "doctor talk".  In my mind I hear whispering and bad things---like things they would not want to tell a mother. this true?  And what does that mean?
    So here is what I am hoping for and praying for in my secret gut of guts:  I hope that the MRI indicates to Dr. Traynelis that Taylor's spine is secure enough so that he will not have to do a full fusion---all the way down Taylor's upper back.  That just sounds...and brutal to a human body.   Will Taylor be able to withstand that much trauma to his precious little , 150 lb., frame?  Will he be scared?
I am hoping against hope (wow...what if I hoped WITH hope)...that this master complex spine surgeon will decide that it is enough just to fix what was done back in June.  I could so handle that.
So, it's out there.  My whole body is wearing this fear.  I want to face it---and say it out loud. 
Looks like I just did say it out loud. 
Letting light in to fizz out the fear.
Maybe that's what healing is.
In your own way---in a way that makes sense to you---please pray for healing---
Healing within.  Healing in the body.  Healing in spirit.  Healing of the aching heart.
UPDATE Since I POSTED THIS earlier today.   I sent this email to a few people:

I just talked with Dr. Traynelis’ office.   Dr. T reviewed Taylor’s MRI from Tuesday and is firm that Taylor needs a  full fusion from C-1 to T-1 with removal of the “instrumentation” that was put in at Johns Hopkins in June.

I feel sick.  That is a normal feeling, right?  I would be weird if I weren’t crying.

Dr. T. tried to call Dr. Chris Doerr yesterday but couldn’t get him---and is trying again this morning.   He will give Dr. Doerr all of the codes so that Dr. D. can call insurance on Wednesday---with me sitting in the office acting normal (as if).

    If none of this makes sense….it’s ok…I just needed to tell you.

Taylor is going to hate my guts.  I hated my parents when they made me get my cavities filled.  Is there a proxy parent I could hire here?

Thank you for reading, for loving me (assuming that you do) and for giving a rat’s ass.

( I just had to cuss!)  marianne

1 comment:

  1. Marianne, I feel sick as well. I'm sorry the news wasn't good news. I'm still praying for healing, whether that be, like you said, in the body, spirit or the heart.


Thank you so much for your comments. I know it's scary to put yourself out there. I really appreciate your being on this journey with me. You really are brave..