Taylor just hates it when I fight with anybody. Fighting to me means saying ugly things in a syrupy voice or saying nice things in a very condescending and ugly voice. No matter how hard I might try to disguise my anger/resentment/discontent, Taylor unwaveringly pipes up with, "Go nice, Mama." Damn. I thought my snarkiness was pretty well covered up--camouflaged---and undetected. But, no, until he hears a change in my voice (and in my attitude), I am coaxed unwillingly into "Going Nice."
I hate that. Sometimes I really just need to chew out my "Step-Husband." I've had fights with my siblings, my other son, telemarketers--you know...people----within earshot of Taylor. I can see this look come over his face that asks, "Can't you find another way to work that out??"
Oh, it makes me so mad. It irks me because I know he's right. He's right and I have work to do---on myself. (Here we go again. Does it ever end?)
Taylor's brother and I have had our squabbles and both walked away feeling unresolved and angry. On several occasions, Taylor has actually physically pulled us back together, turned our bodies towards one another----face-to-face and said, "Talk." Yes, talk it out. Work it out. "Listen it out" for as long as it takes. People aren't supposed to treat each other like this. Listen to each other. Hear one another. It's like Taylor's form of mediation asks, "What is it that he needs for you to know? What do you need for him to hear from you...about you?" Oh my goodness, Taylor knows--knows on the deepest level, that loving human beings are here to work things out. Face-to-face with people we love means hearing, listening, talking, and then listening some more.
It's a bit hard having my very own "Go Nice" police hanging around me 24/7. Hard as I try to "fake him out" (Say nice words in a mean way), his Go Nice detector is unfliching--relentless. I sometimes have an "itch" to be mean. Don't you? But, here's yet one more slugger: Why do we ever need to be hateful? Determined? Yes. ("Yes, you will provide services for my son.) Mean? No. ("And, besides that, you look awful in those pants!")
Being kind basically boils down to this. Go Nice. Pretty simple. In life, get the job done. But, always, Go Nice.
Hi Marrianne, Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. I agree with so many of thoughts. I love your phrase of "mining for gold in the dark". I think that is what life is all about. We are all in the dark, sometimes because of what is happening in our lives and sometimes because we put ourselves there. But if we try, we find the gold that is there for us. I look forward to following along with you.
ReplyDeleteN. is my smile police (and "go nice" police as well). He watches my every mood and if I'm not happy, whatever the reason, he puts his hand on my face to shape it into a smile. Fake him out? - impossible! so apparently we have to be both loving and happy all the time. AARGH!
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