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| Only Kindness Makes Sense (Geneen Roth) |
So Taylor has been feeling bad again. His 26 year old body has been cut on and scarred up pretty badly for a person his age. Because I am a control freak---you've met me before: I'm God's wife----because even though intellectually I know I can not control his body and how it heals (or doesn't heal), I keep trying to fix him.
I keep thinking that if I read one more article or if we see one more doctor or if I hear about one more magic medicine---then he will "poof" himself into a light-hearted, physically happy place. But, it is not happening. And it's frustrating.
Join me here: If you have someone you love dearly, don't you hate it when they hurt? Your answer, without even emailing me your response is "Heck yeah!"
So, you get me, don't you?
Within the past couple of days, I had an "Aha!" moment. I was lead to some words and thoughts that my soul had been searching for---words I think I had a craving to be sunk way down into my own soul: Only kindness makes sense.
Hold on now. Here's the good part and I want you to read it with me and tell me what you think. Only kindness (even and especially) towards ourselves makes sense. Towards ourselves----kindness for me....from me....to me. And then, later on, in a few minutes after I've been kind to myself..... it can be moved out----outward.
I have spent my entire life trying to change my body---change my thighs, change my this, change my that...beat up myself because my body wasn't thin enough, toned enough, tall enough....yadayada blah blah blah. You know what?
Does that sound kind-----sound loving?.......sound gentle?.....sound compassionate? Don't you even try to bolt out of this conversation, because I know that you---yes, most of you, my brilliant readers----you may not be holding yourself either with tenderness and love and oh I love that word.....grace. And kind-ness. Are you? Be honest? Are you kind to you?
I am battling (that means war, doesn't it? And war is not kind....see how smart I am!?) with my own body----and HELLO!!---with Taylor's body!!! I have felt betrayed and angry and frustrated beyond measure with how his body holds him hostage (not by choice) and then how my body holds me hostage (Ooops! By choice!) How many times can I say, "That's not fair!" in one day and still be within the legal limit?
So today, this epiphany happened inside of my heart. Only kindness makes sense. Kindness: accept, embrace, cuddle, kiss, adore, cherish, lavish with tenderness, slurp-up, prize, thank----all of the parts of our bodies---ourselves---just as they are. OMG----huge. Landslide huge.
I've got to do this for myself so I can do this for my son who counts on me so.
By "do this" I mean be kind turned inward.
We....I/you/me/him/her/they----are so worth...so worthy of our own kindness.
Only kindness makes sense.
Begin now.
I'll begin with me.
You begin with you.
This feels like a challenge. Why is that?
I have always thought of kindness is love expressed. It does not have to be earned, but it says to the other person, regardless of my mood, you have worth and value and I honor you. We can do that with checkout workers or friends or family or mail carriers or ... It works for me. And yes-it is ok and even good to see the value and worth in our own selves.
ReplyDeleteOne day when I was especially blue I was surprised by the kindness of a stranger. She was the proctor at the GRE and I had been in a very low place for about a month. It was very cold in the testing room, and she saw that I was going to get my sweater, and she got up and wrapped it around me. I was so touched that I began to cry--and you cannot do that when taking the GRE. I thanked her and went back to the test with tears in my eyes and whispered "thanks God for the kindness of strangers-it helps me to see You and to know that it is not ok for others to be cruel to me (or me to them)".
Keep writing Mary. Love, Liz
Oh such thoughtful words. It seems like a challenge because we wrap ourselves in the world around us and forget to wrap ourselves in fuzziness.
ReplyDeleteI have missed your posts and thought you might be having a rough patch. You and Taylor are in this girls prayers. And I looked down a few minutes ago and thought really kind thoughts about my thighs....
Yes it is a challenge! Don't know why we are so tough on ourselves. It doesn't matter what size or shape our thighs are really - we are not going to be happy with them no matter what. Yes, let's all be kinder to ourselves. As we move through the aging process, it's not like our bodies are going to change for the better. We need to love us just the way we are. Be kind to yourself, Maryann. There is so much to love about you.
ReplyDeleteLook at all you do - who all you touch. Yeah, I think you have enough kindness to go around to everyone. I'm so sorry Taylor having such a hard time. You'll both be in my prayers.
Marianne, i have missed your blog so much. Thanks for sharing your heart and your words. You are so kind and i am glad you are learning to be kind to yourself! I am so happy that you are my sister.
ReplyDeleteYay!!!
ReplyDeleteYou're back. I've really missed you.
I agree with everything you say here. There is nothing harder than watching someone you love suffer. Being kind to ourselves is a close second.
But you are so right. If we're not kind to ourselves, we have little to give to others. If we can't comfort ourselves, how can we comfort anyone else?
I'm sorry you and Taylor have been in a rough spot. I'll keep you both in my prayers.
Sooooooooo glad you are back! On my knees tonight for you and Taylor.
ReplyDeleteEE
Craziness here & woke up thinking "I need me some Marianne".
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for both of you. Keep writing, puhleeese. This "good-un" hit a special nerve, thank you.
xoxo and here if you need me.