Friday, January 24, 2014

Loss, Grieving, Wandering

Taylor lost his daddy six months ago.  I lost my best friend and Taylor's other parent.  Taylor stopped saying words on the day Joe died.  I still say words but they seem meaningless most of the time. My boy and I are wandering in the desert looking for what went missing.
   Today I knew that it was time to write again.  I heard myself say, "Just put something down.  Start.  Just begin."
So here I am ....back again. The old me but the new me.  The me that feels like a piece of corn that has had its husk stripped/ripped off.  Shucked corn---with silky fibers still stuck in the kernels---all messy.  I think some people say things like, "She's a hot mess. Do hot messes grieve and fall to their knees in the darkest part of the night?  How does loss carve such a deep trench in our hearts?
      I used to think I was a pretty good mom.  Now I am not so sure. My compass for leading Taylor is all whacked out.  The true north magnet is going hay-wire. Wavering off course.  And I feel guilty about it.  That's irrational---but yes, guilty.
      Where is the promise?  Remind me about  the promise? It is hard to be so vulnerable.  I liked having my mask--my husk.  It was safer that way.
Way down deep in my tiny little cells lives hope.  Who in the heck knows how hope got planted inside of me---but it did and IS.  I just need  hope's flame to stay lit.
I pray for a kind wind to breathe gently into the lungs of our hope.
 And for Taylor to find his words again.
 Wind and words.
  Those are my healing prayers.


  1. May his memory be eternal. And I would venture that time will bring back the words. I will pray for that.

  2. Marianne, I share your blog with my college students, education majors. Here's how I introduce it to them: "My high school friend in Georgia has a son with Down Syndrome. She also has a wicked sense of humor, a way with words and a huge heart. This is her blog. I hope you'll take a look at it." By simply telling your story and Taylor's, you are giving all of us an amazing gift. Thank you for writing, dear friend. Hang in there and nurture that seed of hope. Olympian Sally

  3. Marianne, most of the time I am not one to whip out a Bible verse to quote, but this kept screaming at me as I read your post. Hold onto it a while and see if it helps you. "I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you and your heart will rejoice."

  4. I can't imagine how hard it must be, Marianne, for you to keep hoping Taylor will open his heart and share his words again. His silence must be horrible to bear. I keep wondering why Joe needed to take Taylor's voice with him and when he'll be able to send it back to you.

  5. Marianne, as much as I miss having Joe in my life, I know the pain is multiplied many times over for you and Taylor. Keep your words coming, and Taylor's will come back to him. I think of you every day, and thought of you Sunday at church when we said the words "nothing in life or in death can separate us from the love of God". May that love and that of everyone who knows you help you through these days.


Thank you so much for your comments. I know it's scary to put yourself out there. I really appreciate your being on this journey with me. You really are brave..